Famous Last Words – from unwind.com

“I’ll get a world record for this.”
“It’s fireproof.”
“He’s probably just hibernating.”
“What does this button do?”
“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”
“So, you’re a cannibal…”
“It’s probably just a rash.”
“Are you sure the power is off?”
“Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?”
“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“Which wire was I supposed to cut?”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I’ve seen this done on TV.”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”
“It’s strong enough for both of us.”
“This doesn’t taste right.”
“I can make this light before it changes.”
“Nice doggie.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“I’ve done this before.”
“Well, we’ve made it this far.”
“That’s odd.”
“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”
“Don’t be so superstitious.”
“Now watch this…”
“What duck?”

Golf Ball Hunt – Comedy Central 9204

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”

“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”

Break It Off – Comedy Central 7126

Mary can’t stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn’t have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, “The hell with it,” and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.

“Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?”

William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, “God almighty!”

And the teacher says, “Yes. That’s correct, Mary.”

Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.

“Who died on the cross for our sins?”

William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, “Jesus Christ!”

Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, “Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, “If you don’t stop poking me with that thing, I’m gonna break it off!”

-Inside joke between my two dearest sisters.